In the last twelve months I have known two mothers who have lost their children well before their time. These children were not babies, they were young adults who were gone too soon and for their parents I cannot even begin to fathom the sense of loss, grief and sheer devastation they feel. The tears roll down my cheeks just typing those words. Incidentally they both lost sons which hits home for me just that little bit harder.
Parenting is hard and some days we get through with the mantra that this phase will pass, one day they will be adults and we won’t have to worry any more. I am not great at managing some of the tougher parts of parenting,as this blog demonstrates, but these past few weeks I have been trying to focus on the value and joy of being in the ‘now’ with my boy and taking moments to say the things that are important, that I want him to know even though he is too young to understand what’s going on. I’m not always successful at it but I’m trying.
In this world of busy, between work and life and everything in between I worry that I will miss the opportunities to tell my son how much he means to me so I have written it out so one day, he can read these words and know that even though sometimes I forget to say them the feeling is always there.
The moment you were born I burst into tears and my first sobbing (drug filled) words were how beautiful you were. You are still the most beautiful person I have ever seen and you always will be.
Whenever I am frustrated or angry it’s with me more than you. I want to be a great parent for you. I am learning as I go and I will continue to learn as you get older. When you are sad, frustrated or angry I usually blame myself, I must be doing something wrong. You’re still so young and life is strange and new and challenging for you and I need to be more patient for both of us.
There is no better sound on this whole planet than your laugh. I can’t even explain how much I love that sound. You have a really belly chuckle that gets a hold of my heart and fills it until I think it might burst. I would spend hours trying to make you laugh if I could.
I will continue to try and hug and kiss you as long as you’ll let me. I’ll be discreet so I don’t embarrass you if I can help it, but you’re going to need to humor your poor old Mum on this one.
I will always be in your corner. It might not always seem like it but everything I do is about helping you to be there very best person you can be. Some days that might make me seem hard, mean, uncaring or unreasonable but trust me, I’m in it for the long game. Your Nanna did the same with me and I owe a lot of the person I am to the lessons and experiences she taught me.
I promise I will never leave without telling you I love you. Whether it’s to the gym, to work or even just to close the door when you go to bed. And if there is ever a time I forget to say it know that it’s in my heart each and every second of the day.
There is nothing more important in this world to me than you and your Daddy. If everything ever happened to you I genuinely don’t know what I would do and I pray every night that I will never be in the position when I have to find out.
Always know that you are loved and chersished by us. Love Mummy.
In tribute to two very special sons and their Mums. X