Zombie Mum


CF84277A-C344-49D9-9737-7C1FF23C532ALife has been hard lately. My ability to do simple things has been severely hampered, my mood is shot and my will to do basic life tasks has been sapped by a nearly 2 year old who doesn’t want to sleep past 4.45am on any given morning.

The 1st morning of pre dawn wakups you bounce back. By the 7th morning you’re tired and railing against the world. By morning 21 you’ve crossed over. You’re not angry any more but you are putting your milk in the pantry, wondering if you packed your keys when you left the house while using them to drive the car you are in and your eyes are being held open by sheer will power and an unnatural amount of under eye concealer to make you look human. Not great, just passably human. This, my friends is the translation into full Zombie Mum.

Zombie Mum doesn’t cook. She eats toast for dinner, or her kid’s half chewed left overs. She drinks boiling coffee because she needs it or drinks cold coffee because she forgot she had it there. She pretends like she’s not sleeping with her eyes open in meetings and lives for the second her child puts his head down to bed so she can stop trying to pretend she is interested in the same episode of Thomas the Tank Engine she has watched about 35 times. She mindlessly caves in to the kid’s demands of biscuits and dummies and teddies and milk and whatever it takes for him to be quiet.

She and Zombie Dad pretend to lay down the law in the morning. “You can come into Mummy and Daddy’s bed but you have to be quiet.” Zombie parents then subject themselves to an hour of “quiet time” with a child in their bed who resembles an octopus with bricks at the end of all his limbs playing a game of continuous twister. Zombie parents tell themselves they won that battle and they totally laid down the law. Zombie parents are totes delusional.

Zombie parents have moments of desperation. Surely there MUST be a reason for the child’s continuous lack of sleep in. Is he sick? Is he hungry? Is he scared? Is he wet? Is he lonely? Is he hot? Is he cold? Is it too light? Too dark? Too noisy? Too quiet? Is he messing with us? Are we too soft? Too firm? Let’s ignore him! Let’s try and resettle straight away! Zombie parents are tired but they are very creative when it comes to sleep extending solutions.

Zombie parents love looking through Facebook memories of their fresh young selves. “Remember when we used to sleep in until 9am on a Sunday?” “No”. Good chat.

Zombie parents have a breaking point. They declare to each other this can’t go on and reach the very precipice of the absolute exhaustion and despair.

Kid is smart. It’s like he senses we can’t go on. Kid sleeps until 6am 3 mornings in a row and Zombie parents are refreshed, revitalised and re-humanised! Kid gets two milkshakes on the weekend for good behaviour and the world is his. Kid smiles and bides his time before creeping his internal alarm forward again. Kid loves Zombie parents. And against all the odds (or at least it feels like it sometimes) Zombie parents love kid.




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